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BDSM: loosening our chains

Anyone who has experienced trauma in their life, or even just certain forms of mental health anomalies, can attest to society having roughly three factions.

There’s the “just get over it, it’s not that hard, your problems don’t even really exist” group; the “I had a cousin whose friends wife’s lover went through something similar and they really felt better after seeing a therapist. You know, talk it out” group; and finally, the “that sucks, you do what you need to do, I’m here for you” group.

There is a common belief among the latter two that therapy is a place where someone goes once a week to lay on a couch and spill their feelings to someone who nods, takes notes and eventually says “you hate your father.”

To some this may be the case, but more commonly it is full of bright armchairs, possibly a couch, whiteboards and a woman with a funky pixie cut challenging everything they would say as a part of their cognitive behavioural therapy. To many others it’s nothing at all as many people choose to instead lean on their friends or just try and push through with sheer force of will.

But not everyone benefits from these kinds of approaches. For some it is not enough to merely discuss their trauma or to push it away, to come to terms with it they need to control it. They need to create or relive a situation to create a new outcome, to see it in a new way, to tell them they are no longer a victim to their trauma or themselves because they are choosing it.

They are not the sort for off yellow puffy armchairs and multicoloured walls. These people turn to chains, whips, leather and some killer stilettos.

BDSM (bondage, discipline and sado-masochism) has for the most part been met with a history of stigma.

For years there were misconceptions that people who enjoy BDSM must have been abused or traumatised at an early age to enjoy being punished. Truthfully even with the awareness 50 Shades of Grey has generated in the general (or in BDSM terms, ‘Vanilla’) community, there is a plot point in explaining that Mr Grey only enjoys BDSM due to childhood trauma from his drug abusing, prostitute mother and her physically abusive pimp. In reality the most likely reason would be ‘just cause’.

Ms Talia, a woman I interviewed who enjoys BDSM in her own life said, “I’m not really sure how I got into BDSM to be honest. When I was 16 my partner and I both casually discussed it and decided to try it out, and never looked back. I’ve always loved the look of traditional BDSM clothing, particularly latex, so that was probably the first thing I gravitated towards.”

Talia is a switcher, a person who can play both the ‘dominator’ role and the ‘submissive’ role. For her, the roles were liberating.

“Before getting involved with my partner and trying out BDSM I was very self-conscious, didn’t really know how to interact with people and was limited in expressing myself,” she says. “I started out as a ‘domme’ [because] as I mentioned I was very skittish around other people, even my partner. Aside from a bit of light bondage and whipping I was very unwilling to let go and ‘sub’. However, It made me feel more confident that my partner loved and trusted me enough to perform potentially risky play scenarios.”

Statistically a female domme is relatively rare. According to a study published in Psychology Today in 2013, only 8% of women enjoy being the dominator in an BDSM context, 16% are switchers and 76% are submissive. Men in comparison are dominant 48% of the time, submissive 34% and switchers 18%. These statistics suggest that women in particular prefer a more traditional role cerebrally.

Reef Karim, a board-certified psychiatrist and the founder and medical director of the Control Centre for Addictions, stated in a 2012 article published at GoodTherapy.org:

“In regards to sexual research, many women fantasize about submission, and many men fantasize about dominance … Even though men and women are more equal than ever in regards to occupation and finances, we are still very different sexes, and definitive gender and role-based fantasies do exist.”

That is not to say they are always average in general life. People who engage in BDSM as a whole are generally more extraverted, open to experience, conscientious, less neurotic, less sensitive to rejection and generally posses a higher sense of well-being.

Many women or men who do enjoy being a domme find that the role is fun and different from what they’re used to.

“I also really enjoy being in control as in real life I am usually quite relaxed and am often more comfortable following rather than leading,” says Talia.

This leads to a reason as to why each role may be exciting on a cerebral level: because it’s different, it’s a challenge, and each role (in its own way) is different, empowering. And when you get down to it, it’s just hot.

The submissive role is the whole other side. They are someone who yields to their partner giving total power to them during a play session. They take the pain, the humiliation and the orders.

“My first experience as a sub was rather accidental, as I became very good friends with a Dom and we ended up playing,” recalls Talia. “It was actually terrifying at the time because I had to trust someone else who had a lot of power over me and in hindsight, I’m glad for the experience as I brought this over in my own relationship and it’s grown stronger because of it.”

Psychologically that is the basis as to why BDSM works in a therapeutic sense. While many people assume that playing a role in BDSM, most significantly the submissive, means you have low self-esteem. However, the truth is quite the opposite. 

Yes, there are some out there who do have low self esteem, but short of cathartic reasons they do not get into a BDSM relationship for positive reasons. I again recall the work in 50 Shades of Grey, or as some in the BDSM community call it: “50 Shades of Domestic Abuse”.

There are some common misconceptions when it comes to BDSM that are worth clarifying. 

BDSM does not involve sex. 50 Shades of Grey focuses on the physical sexual side of sado-masochism, and mainstream pornography portrays fetish/kink/BDSM as rape with leather vests on. In reality this is rarely the case.

Jemima, a professional Dominatrix in Sydney who chose not to reveal her true name, says professional BDSM does not involve sex.

“We stress the rules ‘Safe, Sane and Consensual’. For the clients [slaves] it is about their mental stimulation or acute physical sensation instead of a traditional, sexual experience. Occasionally I don’t even meet the clients in the flesh, we do ‘distance training’ which involves giving commands over phone or webcam, though this is not for everyone.”

This is when the healing ability of BDSM becomes interesting. Considering that a client does not need to even make contact with their partner implies that there is more than just a physical attraction at play. 

When it comes to connections between couples, Talia says it doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual at all.

“As long as there is trust a BDSM relationship can build and grow,” she explains. “This is partly why some couples are happy being polygamous players.”

Not only is it not necessarily an emotional choice to be with other partners, but there is also total trust between each couple.

Trust is extremely important for many parts of BDSM. While some believe it starts and ends with ropes and whips, there are many sub-cultures within this umbrella term. Knife play, mummification play, breath-control play, Roman play, and water sports are all examples of areas in BDSM that some would find extremely risky but when followed with the same rules and care it can be just as enjoyable.

“Humiliation is a big thing, there are quite a few people out there who would like to avoid the corporal punishment and go instead to orders and degradation,” elaborates Jemima. “Contrary to popular belief if you want to do that kind of thing effectively, you have to be willing to put in the time and effort to study and learn. Being a domme isn’t just putting on a corset and calling yourself Mistress.”

Which brings up the subject of rules and playing. Not everyone is invited to play at BDSM parties. There have been many incidences in the past that soured the image of BDSM to the public. 

The report of a woman killed by a master’s wife in jealousy-fuelled fear, a woman killed by a sexual partner by accident during erotic asphyxiation, or the man who passed away after being tied up by his partner and left for three days allegedly because of their ‘play session’.

Rest assured, these people are not allowed to play publicly for long.

“Consent is so so important,” says Talia. “I’ve had really terrible experiences at fetish munches (meetups) where even in a non-play situation, there are many people who just assume that kinky people, and women in particular, are easy/polyamorous/will play with anyone. It’s an awful attitude and quite understandably people who carry on with such behaviour are very quickly identified as scene ‘predators’ and are deemed unsafe to play with.”

Jemima agrees.

“Consent is extremely important. People have to be mindful while they’re playing. I discuss with clients beforehand what they are interested in. Once we are playing I let them know in advance what I am planning to do next, this gives them a chance to refuse if they need too. You never leave someone alone in bondage. And of course, safe words are always in effect.”

This structure and strict adherence to rules is what makes BDSM approachable for people who want to try their innermost fantasies. There is no judgement, no ridicule. So, these people are free to feel safe in themselves and how they choose to experience themselves. Regarding intense trauma such as rape, all this culminates to create a very healing partnership.

Of course not all rape victims would benefit (individual recovery is almost infinitely diverse) but for those who do, being a domme, or more commonly a sub is a way to come to terms with themselves and while it may seem counter-intuitive brings their power back.

So, while many people see BDSM as an act only done by those who hate themselves, punish themselves or are ‘deviants’, the reality is many use it to heal themselves.

Whether it is from rape, low confidence, or just as a release from a stressful week, there is much more that lies beneath the leather and chains. To some it is simply a matter of looking past the layers and seeing what it may have in store for them if they take that plunge.

By Dorothy Kocsi

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